Who I Was

What was yesterday without today?

How are we supppsed to appreciate the angst?

What's worse are the words not spoken from folks just passing by

Who observe, but don't deserve your time

And in a while..

Not now, you'll see why...

Cause there were countless times you cried

Or the moments in bed alone you lied

Pitiful how we lie..

Wake up, say we try

Let the day just pass us by

But was it you?

Who was really by your side?

When it's 4am

The middle of the night

You can't sleep...the dreams get too deep..

And you imagine the reality of being awake when you're asleep

You have no one to call..,

And the ones you do think you're a creep

But don't fret

Cause you'll be foolish to forget...

Fantasizing and nightmarism is as real as it gets

But times get lonely..

Yes they do...

Yesterday, you were not the same you

Stop thinking when there's nothing to do...

People like them need you...

To need them too

But you're better than that boo

You have no choice but to accept who you are now

Cause there's no turning back now

Be the bigger person, just back down

It wasn't the ones that left..

It was the ones who were around

Weed will only enhance it

Those other dudes had their chances

No more time to live with this many advances

I promise they envy you...

Some things I wish you really knew

I'd say it to the old you

So you wouldn't have to go through

All the shit that you do

You recover so nicely then relapse

Call it getting happy

Coulda been got that back

You needed the conversations perhaps...

But the past has so many mishaps

I'm wondering if you'll ever fully get back..

Your circle is poison so get out fast

The people you fucking with now just want some ass

When you listen to the shit you think...

It don't make sense so you laugh...

How you gone take anything serious if your thoughts are so bad?

But where is your mom? What happened to your dad?

Naw, forget about that...we ain't kids no more

Can't look back....

Cause who you are now is getting sidetracked...

And you were then, you can't get back

The you 'you' are now....

Deserves better than that...

And anyone in your past...forget all that...

The past....can't get that back

Journey Of Self

The longest hug ever, was needed today

And the most held back tears were cried

Through all things....

Through all people....

Lived a girl who blossomed

It wasn't until today, that the calming of her heartbeat sustained

It was all for something

All the love she gave..

The wounds she healed....

How alone....

In a room...

How far...

Away from home...

How long...

Until she's found...

When the night draws to a close...

Where are you?

When pain is all you feel...

What do you do?

When prayer answers now...

Not how...

What would you do?

Build your own castle

Set your gates high....

And know....

That even though you feel alone

You can't be hurt anymore...

Even though you've seen no one for miles

Have hopes....

That someone will stumble across your kingdom...

And you will know...by the pounding of your own heart...

Of you shall open your gates and let another enter your realm...

That girl lived...

Long...

Alone....

And sad....

But she built her own castle....

And she NEVER let anyone in who didn't acknowledge it.

Don't Blink Twice

So if many of you are like me (and I know you are) then you are looking for that perfect mascara to give you the ideal lashes you desire. I found a few sites helpful for the holidays. Merry Christmas and God Bless 

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http://www.totalbeauty.com/content/gallery/p-best-drugstore-mascaras

http://makeup.allwomenstalk.com/tips-on-how-to-make-eyelashes-grow

Trying

I've dived again

Not wanting to be saved this time

I called for help before

No one listened

This pain persists

The anger lives in a box next to my tears

My lips are soaked from the tears that appear when you are near

I'm falling forever 

Why can I lay here alone and forget time

The same you use to forget about me

Is the same time I use to try and forget you

Your ignorance to my pain sickens me

My appetite was donated to the souls feeding themselves off of my agony

Distrust and lust

Pain and memories

Sex and lies

Never want to leave this place they call "alone"

I'm fine here I promise

My eyes won't come off the ground to explore much else

The memories here are so familiar

If I ran forever through the grass that I lie in when I'm weak, and comforted by when I'm sleep...

Would this same grass remember me?

Will it lead me to brightness?

Will my wounds heal when I finally make it?

Because people won't understand me

I've tried to tell them all

They won't listen

I fear I am alone and always have been

Will someone look for me and find the things I have written laying next to my soft, warm hands? In a book of tattered and tear dried pages from the pain you have caused.

Truth is..

I've been gone for month

Tryna play it off smooth, like he's got better things to do

He can front that to you

Probably laying in someone's fantasy, naked.

Letting the silk white sheets hug every curve of my body

Letting the sun hit my face and ricochet off my breast into the tall mirror in front of me

The same mirror I can barely stare into

The only thing in this world that won't lie to me

I don't know what's real and what's not

I hear laughter outside

I feel pain inside 

I still can't eat

I'm more hungry for attention

The sex that used to drive me insane is now the reason for this pain

When they look at me

They..

What do you think they see?

Can they see everything?

I am afraid they can.

I tried to tell them before

But no one would listen

Happy Anniversary to the death of me

I am lost in a world full of people who don't believe in me because i believe in you

I'm not in my own mind

I can't be trusted to be there anymore

Will you wake up? 

I want my life back

You only touch me when you want 

Why are your emotions laying next to me?

In this box 

This box that you refuse to let anyone in?

Then why are you imagining me?

Why am I in your dreams?

I'm REALER than anything else ever seems

I've been trapped here for months

I'm sick of crying

Please...

Wake up..

Then wake me up....

But when you do...

Look at me and tell me that that box of emotions was real...

And I'll look back at you and tell you that my box of tears were REALER

And when I close my eyes again...just leave..

Cause the pain it causes to see you come and go....is unimaginable 

I'll trust this is all a dream. 

I pray you never wake up.

I pray I've been sleep this whole time

I've tried...

I tried...

I...

Loved you

What Happens Now?

Remember those visions we had as children?

We thought we knew what real happiness was 

We thought boys had the cooties and love is beautiful and perfect

Just recently, I don't remember how to feel anymore....

Those words that once left my lips and pierced the ears of past lovers...

What do they mean now?

Why do we care about things we cannot change?

The same reason reason we care about people who cannot

Why don't they see what I see?

Do they see what I see?

Are they taught not to react?

When I blink, who watches me?

Troubled minds...

Wandering souls...

An uncertain future that has me jaded

What did emotion mean when we were kids?

When we received our first kiss...what did we feel..

I'm lost...

In a world of people who don't believe in me because I believe in you

What is faith if you have no restraint?

What is this?

What is this ghost I wake up to everyday...

My thoughts are not my own....

I'm begging for them back....

How can I touch so many lives and still not pierce your heart?

Am I not supposed to be feeling this way?

I wish it were you running your fingers through my hair and not me

Why can't I trust what will happen next?

Why am I so scared of what I can't see?

Can you feel it?

Can you sense the air has changed?

What is to become of the girl with an angry past and an unwilling future?

I just want to wake up and make everything be normal...

Can that happen?

Will God let it?

What is...normal?

Doesn't anybody recognize the girl I used to be?

Is she still here?

Why can't she learn to let go?

Why can't she still see the Disneyland sign out of the passenger window, in her car seat?

Why isn't she smiling? 

Where did everyone around her go?

What will happen to the girl who used to dream?

Selfless Thoughts

This journey of life cannot be traveled alone...

No matter how much I wish...I'll never be home..

What is home ?

Is it this place we call ours...we must not share it with others..

We won't share it with the poor or sick but we'll share it with our lovers...

Is it where we congratulate the weak but yet we forget our brothers?

Lets close our eyes and implant visions of us laying amongst each other...

No harm or danger shall touch our mothers...

Let us love out of passion and not of will...

Let us bring more to the table than they think we will..

This place we laugh, this place we cry, this place we drive, this place we fly...

This is our home...

This is our future...

No one is a guest and everyone has a part..

Sip your merlot slowly while you watch the moon outshine the dark...

Help those children find faith who play in the park..

Teach them how to love...

The family with no heart....

Keep your heart big and your arms stretched...

Keep your love close and your giving wide...

Never let too many people inside...

This is your house..

This is our home..

This is their future...

We are not alone....

I Want This